Almost a year and yet this is gracies day

Well I’m laying here thinking about all of everything. Tomorrow my little Gracie ann and I will walk through doors that make my whole body ache with anxiety, anger , sadness, but I can’t let that little girl down. She needs me. Almost a year ago I walked in and out of these hospital doors with ups and downs, emotional spirals. I heard the most devastating news on the 8th Floor. Something I couldn’t begin to comprehend I could do nothing but run away I couldn’t breath. they went from hopeful to mellodi has severe brain damage and if she does not awaken by Monday we’ll have big decisions to make. I asked what does that mean and they say all these huge words and talk these big circles it feels. I’m her mom first don’t rush her to do anything she’ll do it when she wants and it’ll be perfect! I know she is gonna be okay and I’m infuriated they don’t agree. She has been part of my soul how can I live without her I would know if she wasn’t okay! So many thoughts and so much anger….. I blamed myself and everyone. it mostly fell on myself I was her mom. I am supposed to protect this perfect little human and help her grow into an amazing person. I didn’t, it feels like failure. Now somehow tomorrow I can’t focus on that none of it, this is Gracie and this is about her. I have to let that awful slide out of my head so I can be this superhero mom this little girl somehow for some unknown reasons believes me to be. Letting her down is not an option. I have to show her brother how confident I am that she is gonna be just fine. i can’t be terrified because they have already been through enough. tomorrow somehow will not be about Mellodi and losing her, it’s all about Gracie and helping her be okay. This feels like its going to be some impossible thing like X-ray vision but it simply can’t be impossible. Tomorrow I gotta be what she sees and that’s not a crumbling disaster. I don’t know how I got so lucky with these kids I have or why they love my messy chaotic crazy ness the way they do but they do. and it’s not about me I may be writing this more for my own self to hear and reread but it’s the truth. it’s time to suck it up and be what Gracie and Luca need. Mellodi she understands she was spoiled but she loved them and she has her place in every day of our life’s. tomorrow is gracies day to be the forefront! so I will not bawl when I walk in I may shed a tear for the memories of the ones I used begging I will avoid the 8th floor, it’s not the time to yell at doctors that didn’t listen to me a year ago but they sure will listen to me today. Gracie will have this her way as much as possible and i am her mother and I know my child best so it will be what I say and we will acknowledge the things I say I’m not overprotective or worrisome. she’s mine I’ve spent almost every day of her life with her. I make the decisions and your medical degree does not mean your the boss. your knowledge of medicine and medical terms with my knowledge of her and her whole life her behaviors that’s how we will do this….. together.

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