Before I lost Mellodi, I can't say I haven't lost anyone but I hadn't lost an immediate member of my family. My great grandparents, my aunt that lived in florida, don't get me wrong, I was sad and I missed them. But I missed them when it came time to those times of the year when I would have seen them. I thought of them and how they would have loved mellie or luca and gracie. I remebered fun times with them. With Mellodi every single day, Something brings me to my knees it hurts so bad. Places she had never been, remind me of her. or what I will never expeirence with her. Every day I if She would still be here if i had done something different. I can see all the ways I failed her, all the ways I took her for granted, or got frustrated to fast. I look at pictures of her and think of all the times I should have kissed her more. I am angry, so angry about ....well everything. I have dealt with depression before in my life, anger however, is all new to me. I am angry about little things that don't for any minute of the day deserve the amount of anger I hold to them. I mean silly, truly. I have not figured out how to place that anger in the appriote place or how to cope so it settles. My husband, god bless him, is so understanding and loving through all this. Even as he deals with his own grief and anger. My kids, they are the most understanding loving children I could ask for. I cry and want to break things in the same breath. How I am supposed to make this better is a mystery to me. I am still trying to see some sort of light at the end of this dark tunnel. As of now I see none. My light is Michael,Luca, and Gracie. Thank god for them or I might have been lost forever. I know they will help me find my way out, I am trying to not be unbearable as we navigate through.
The amount of guilt and failure I carry everyday, its heavy. I failed that little girl. If at the beginning of that cold she would have went to her family doctor, antibiotics would have saved her life. It should have never been able to get to the point it did. The emergency room doctors shouldn't have been in a position to send me home when she should have stayed because she should have been seen by a doctor long before then. I am so terrified that at some point in time my husband is going to wake up and look at this and feel the same way about me that I feel about me.