Hope your dancing in the sky

oh baby girl, I bought you an angel, she is holding a baby just like you. and we put a bench out by you. I keep thinking how that's it, now we are done. we paid for the headstone we have a angel out there with you. even somewhere to sit and relax while we visit you. Now what? I have this anxiety, anxiety i couldn't even identify as anxiety. My chest feels like its being crushed almost all the time. I can't hardly breathe right now. This is not anxiety that is describable or understandable unless you experience it. And God, i wouldn't wish that on my very worst enemy. I always feel like I am supposed to be okay, Luca and Gracie need me, I just have to be alright. Except I'm not, I act like i am and i don't cry. I say Mellie's in heaven and heaven is beautiful and god is good. But in reality, I am over here all the way lost. I am having a hard time with god because why would god take her from me? From me, the world is missing out on someone who would have been amazing. she already was...

I sometimes think I am pulling this off, Im alright or at least I am successfully pretending everything is alright. I am at least convincing the kids I mean it when i say I know nothing will ever be normal again but we will find a new normal. When in the grand scheme of things, I don't even fully grasp the dramatic change my life is going through. I telll them everyday will get better and mellie would want us to be happy. But I don't know when or if its ever going to be better, I don't know how this will ever hurt less. I'm drowning in the sadness, in the hurt of this. As much as i am trying to help them and convince them, I am convincing myself or trying too. I am trying my very hardest to mean what I am telling them. But really, I am locked in my bedroom right now, having a complete meltdown. I am failing at this, nothing is alright. My daughter is going to get a headstone for her first birthday. Ill never watch her grow, Ill never hear her say mommy. She'll never get scared and come to my bed in the middle of the night. Ill never be exhausted in the morning again because mellie just wanted mommy time and to babble to me. ill never hear her beautiful laugh again.I am still angry, angry at everything. I am mad at myself for not taking her to the emergency room sooner, not making them listen to me. Angry at them for not making mellie better.

At the end of what i am writing here, all i can hope is that mellie is listening to our song. that someone is holding her and dancing with her like i used too. Making her laugh and smile. I hope she is eating because my baby loves food =). I have to hope every day that mellie is happy. That is my only hope at surviving this. Every parent should hug their children and cherish watching them smile and holding them when they cry. Enjoy hearing them say mommy 10,0000 times. Because if its taken away, you'll wish you had been patient, wish you had just kissed them a little longer. Wished you had been better. I love you Mellodi May March, I promise baby girl I am trying even if I am failing at times. Ill keep trying.

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