If it's not self destruction, then what?

Updated: Mar 3

I don't know the statistics on the number of people that struggle with any sort of mental illness. I know that there is so many different kinds and different ways anxiety and depression show themselves. I know the stay in bed and never want to wake up version, I know the I can't sleep because the nightmare version. I know the run to any sort of substance to cope version. I know the codependent version. I know about every unhealthy version there is. The one I know best, Ruin everything good before it can be ruined, then have a giant pity party and feel bad for myself. Being okay with being at bottom because well I don't deserve any better, I mean look at all the bad things that have happened. I know the version that includes doing reckless things, not necessarily trying to kill myself but not caring either way. I know the version that feels like it is never-ending, hopeless, walking through life with no clue of all the wonderful things being missed. I used to be okay with all of this, not only okay with it but somehow convinced myself it was an okay life to live. I wasn't achieving any better so just shut up and enjoy it.

As I find myself in a spot of depression and anxiety in my life again, something is different. I know what it is, I want it again even. But how do I reach a goal I feel I only accomplished because I had someone else pulling me in that direction? Now first I want to explain something, I love all of my children. They are all my favorite in their own ways. They are all so different and I love them all different but the same amount if that makes any sense. They all have their own place in my heart that they forever will hold. Luca, well he is the sweetest little boy ever. He stops at least once a day to tell me I am the best mommy in the world, I am beautiful and he loves me. He would do anything in the world to help me or make me happy. Gracie is just a little bit of sunshine, literally. Cheerful and just bubbly. Every person she encounters each day, guaranteed she is telling them something nice. I really don't think she talks to one person without complimenting them in one way or another. Both of them are people loving little humans.

There is another huge difference with the two of them and mellie, my age, everyone is right Mellodi had a far better mom then luca did when he was her age. I got better with my age. I understood more of what patience meant and was just a better person in general. But now the point is where luca and Gracie liked everyone, Mellie ONLY wanted me, nana or her daddy. She made me feel needed in a way I needed to stay strong and deal with all the unwanted emotions that came with fixing my relationship with my older two. She was my courage to go straight into so many emotions that for some time I had avoided and Sober. When I felt like the whole world was going to collapse and Luca and Gracie were never going to want to be with me, Well mellie was in my belly, she needed me physically even then. Now I have this amazing relationship with both Luca and Gracie, There is always progress to be made but they both trust me again. They want me when they get hurt or don't feel good. I am mom again to them.

About the time I am mom again to them, I am no longer mommy to mellie, not an earth mommy anyway. And some days it is so hard to stay focused on the big picture, I know Luca and Gracie need me, but so did mellie. I am trying not to let that creeping crawling monster of self destruction crawl up into my life. Crazy, but I don't think self destruction would even be tolerable anymore, It used to be acceptable. Now that I have face some hard things sober and made it through ( I'm Talking pre mellie getting sick, I am not through losing her or even close.) and I made it to the other side with a positive outcome. I mean truly I enjoyed every day life, going to work to come home and clean and cook dinner. I enjoyed all my children even when I was exhausted. I don't think I can even properly self destruct again, not without feeling every emotion on the way down and really? what's the point then? Mellie showed me something better, she showed me love she tied my broken pieces together and held them together until the rest of our family tied theirs in and I tied mine into them. We truly were on our way to areal family again. I am not talking past tense as in we aren't now, The sadness is overwhelming sometimes. Now I am not even numb in depression, I close my eyes and nightmares. When I'm awake, memories and what ifs fill my head. How and when does this end? I know its not self destruction and the messy process of that. so then what?

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