Late night thinking.

Updated: Jan 27

I'm sitting here finishing up the web page and as I learn about Pneumococcus bacteria and disease, all that runs through my head is what was my baby girl feeling the days before the life flight. I read about how lots of babies recover and have no issues, some have brain damage that causes life long problems, some never smile, and some are just like Mellodi; gone. I haven't been able to bring myself to read the adult stories, the ones that tell how awful it actually was. I can not stop playing the whole thing over and over in my head, like a bad CD skipping. I can see all the symptoms now, I can see every wrong decision I made.I miss my little girls smile. I do not know when this is supposed to get "easier" as they say, sometimes I see no light at the end of this dark, cold tunnel. I keep going with the page because its the only thing I have left of her. Its the only way to show people Mellodi. Its the only way I can feel like the world isn't going to just forget her,like she never existed. I can't have that thought, She was such a happy little girl, the world should get to know her. The struggle and pain that comes with losing a child is unbearable. Sometimes I do not know how I'll even take my next breath. Some days Mellodi's fight is our fight!!, well its the only thing that helps me breath. I focus on how many people have no idea the dangers of pnemococcus bacteria/disease, how many people are just like me, clueless. If I had been aware, we wouldn't have left the emergency room, we would have went earlier even. And Mellodi might still be here. I am going to finish this page and Then I do not know what. I guess I am going to pray this page needs me for something that someone wants to talk. I want to help any person i can. I think about my husband and I in the position we were in, deciding weather to keep the life support on or to let Mellie go. We had to make the hardest decision any parent could ever make. We had hospital staff telling us medical terms and facts, we had people telling us miracles happen. We were torn in all directions. At the end of it, we had to just think of mellie and what was best for her. I would love to help any other parent who finds themselves in that awful position. I cant say it'll even make a difference, I do not know that anything actually helps. I know this blog is all over the place, excuse my scrambled brain. Writing on here or on my Facebook mellie page, its my only outlet sometimes. I struggle with all these emotions and the overwhelming sadness. I pray, beg really for god to show me something, anything on how or why. I know he is up there, Mellie was to beautiful for this to be her last. I know she is in heaven, She has to be somewhere as beautiful as she was. I love you Mellodi May March, You have been gone 50 days and I think of you every second of every day. I don't go anywhere that something doesn't remind me of you or make me think, mellie would have liked that.

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