This is just going to be a short little post, First I didn't realize I haven't posted anything in so long. Truly this is my release, my way to deal with all these god awful emotions I am having. The last 5 weeks have been filled with depression. I have been planning this event, Mellie's Meningitis March. I have 250 t-shirts sold, We are planning a dinner that's free will donation. I am then going to give all the proceeds to a meningitis foundation in Mellodi's name. Its on her first birthday. Everything is going so well, I mean people are supporting us and helping me remember my little girl. It is all going how I want it to but Mellodi's Missing. Every day I think about how almost exactly a year ago I was preparing for this beautiful baby to be here. I remember feeling so happy, I am married to an amazing man I love, together we have 5 beautiful children with a 6th on the way. He is taking care of all the things from his past that could hold us back and I am staying where I need to be so I can have a family with him. We both want this. I know Mellodi isn't what held that all together, it was us, our hard work. But with her gone its such a struggle. Somedays I can't figure out how to breath still. Other days the only task my mind can handle is breathing. There are even days where life feels somewhat okay. I mean Mellodi is always missing, but somedays I feel like I can live still. I have so much guilt and anger at everything. Every little thing in life weather Mellodi ever even seen it or not takes me straight to hmm I wonder if mellie would have liked this or Mellie would have loved this! Her birthday, My lord, my fat little baby would have loved to get that cake! Some babies are unsure of sticking there hands in it, I Know my little smellie mellie, well she would have loved every single second of it. There are so many what if's or I wonders. She was here on earth for such a short time, at the end of this month she will have been gone as long as her life was. That's wrong. I know that the whole world is missing out since Mellie is missing. Even if I only had her for 6 short months, she made me a better person. She helped me in some ways I didn't even realize I needed help at the time. Mellodi May March changed my whole world in the 6 months she was with me. It's hard to live without her, and its even harder realizing I am living without her and life will continue to go on. I love You Mellodi May, I miss your cuddles every single night. I miss your laugh even at 3am. Ill see you soon baby girl.