So we are almost to Mellodi's first birthday, I truly felt like we were getting to a point of moving forward in our lives. Not forgetting her or even missing her less but working towards our life and the goals we have. Now that Michael is gone again, he is back in the same place that he was when Mellodi got sick, its like time is at this weird standstill again, like we are in a place in out lives that she is supposed to be. All of the moving forward has halted to a complete stop. This is for all of my family, we all are back to the fog over life where it no longer feels real. I walk through every day in this blur of nothing, at the end of the day, if you ask me what I thought about. I can't tell you anything because I was not present for most of it, not mentally. I can't tell you where my mind is or what I think about because its blank most of the time. Before he left, I was starting to gather my thoughts again. I don't know how to go back to the moving forward stage we were at. While he is in this program it's a never ending loop of mellie getting sick and never coming home. Maybe once he is farther in the program then he was and we are onto something new again our life's will continue to move forward. I can tell you one thing, him being away from me and our children, it is helping nothing. It benefits not one person in my home.
I am ready to continue to move forward with our life's, I hate this state of overwhelming nothing I live in right now. Its impossible to feel like there is anything good in the world when it is like this. I am trying my hardest to stay positive and be okay. The kids need me to be okay and I know that. I am trying not to be selfish and only think about the emotions I am feeling right now and remember theirs and Michaels. Sometimes these emotions are so overwhelming though it's hard to remember or see anything in the world but them. Mellodi has been gone now almost 5 months. I don't even know how that is possible. I haven't held my baby girl for 5 months or seen her smile. It feels like forever and then it feels like just yesterday I was holding her and loving her little face. Everytime it rains outside, I think of the first time I begged god while Michael held me. Begged him to let her be okay, then I think about the next time it rained, I begged him to take her and give her some peace. Take all her pain away. Now I beg him to let me see the light at the end of this, to let me know their is some peace coming. Peace for me and my family. I just want to move forward, I don't want to forget or not feel the pain, I want to move forward through it. I want to get to the other side so I can understand it and see my purpose. Our purpose.