Today I am stuck with this agonizing anxiety. I started back at the job I had before Mellie was sick. Honestly, Once I was there and working, it wasn't bad. I had a few moments throughout the day where I thought the world might collapse in on me. But lets be real, I have a few of those every day since Mellie has been gone. I had terrible anxiety in the morning, I was almost in tears because I didn't want to go. The routine of getting around and leaving for work is a normal I haven't experienced for 85 days. How normal it felt, well that was the whole problem and that was where my anxiety is coming from. 85 days ago....my normal was altered. It was a big change, Mellie was in the hospital and We were trying to figure out what was wrong. My parents had my kids, Michael came home on a furlough to be with us while we figured out what we needed to do for Mellodi. My normal was all the way a mess, but I still had the key parts, My family.
62 days ago my normal went from altered and jumbled to destroyed forever. I lost one of those key parts. So going to work today, doing something normal, it just reminded me how not normal everything is and how it will never be normal again. I got up for work today and could only think about Mellie and all the times I overslept because she stayed up all night, how many times I kissed her and hugged her in the morning before I left. I could only think about running late because I had to change her diaper and make her a bottle. Or wake up her Nana and ask her to get up even though I hadn't left yet to get her so I could get ready. But after I got to work and started working I was alright, well somewhat alright. On my lunch break I had a crushing feeling on my chest as I thought about calling to see how Mellie was doing for the day like I used to. but again I went back to work and it passed. The part that was not so easy to get past today was the end of the day. 4pm to be exact. I was talking to one of my coworkers and we were talking about what we planned on doing when we got home. I started to say well I got to go home and get the baby ... then realized that isn't my normal anymore. It'll never be normal again. I had anxiety about going home. It was my first experience of a functional normal life without mellodi. The past 62 days, I have stayed at home and cried. I have packed her stuff up, picked out headstones and angels. Now all of that is done and it is time to go back to work and have normal routines again. Except, what the hell is normal supposed to be now? My normal is gone. Today I felt like I went back to work and I come home and all the places mellie fit into that routine, actually she was in the center of it, but we just ignored that part and pretended it didn't exist. I cant handle that, I don't want the world to go about like life is normal without her. I don't want her to fade out of our minds as time passes. I don't want to go back to a normal routine life without her, because then its official in my head, She is never coming back. I know that it all should already be final and official in my head, I held her while she took her last breath and we buried her, I would think it didn't get more final and official then that. But the past 85 days, they have been some weird fog that didn't feel real. I have been watching my life happen through dirty glass but it wasn't really my life. Now that I'm supposed to fall back into this routine, my same routine that used to include mellodi, its all suddenly real. Life is continuing without Mellodi May. I will never see her first tooth, her first steps, hear her first word or mama. I will never braid her hair for her first day of school ever. And while all of that will never happen, life is supposed to be normal and okay. I'm supposed to go on about life and even be happy. It feels like I'm supposed to forget her. that makes me have a crushing feeling in my chest. I cant breath, its hard to catch my breath through those moments.
I have to give a huge thank you to my husband in this too. I have not done well at not being bitter and miserable. I apologize for it once a week at least. Sometimes I even see it happening but then I cant get past the anger that is stuck at the forefront of my mind. I'm not angry at one person, life in general and I'm taking it out on people and situations in my life. I tell my 7 year old, it is okay to be angry and sad but that doesn't make it okay to act yucky. Well I keep doing it myself. realize I am doing it and then I still do it again. My patience, well I have none at this point. So Michael Matthew March, I love you to the snickers galaxy. I am sorry for...hmm.. the 3rd or 4th time this week. You have patience with my no patience. You let me be angry without being angry back at me most of the time. You pick up where I have no patience with the kids. Our children are so lucky to have you as a father. I am lucky your my husband and your so supportive, all while you go through your own grieving process. Without you, I would lose my mind. You are my sanity and you keep me grounded. I love you to every moon, every star, and every planet. Forever and Always