Updated: Jan 31
It's been since the week of mellies funeral, I am having this same awful reoccurring nightmare. When I'm having this nightmare, its the kind that feel so real its hard to tell and if it is a nightmare you cant wake up from it on your own. The alarm has to sound or someone has to wake you up. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband. When i am having this particular nightmare I jump around a lot in my sleep. He always wakes me up. This dream is crazy, I have spent a lot of time looking up what means what in dreams. and I may understand the meaning but now the real question is, how do I make it stop? Now we will start with what the nightmare is about. we start out in this strange pool, but my moms with me, my dad is there, my husband, everyone is there. Strangely looking at them they don't all resemble who I know they are. My mom looks like herself so does my dad and so does Braden. well back to the strange pool we are in, its not very deep water just about to my chest. I walk over to my mom and she is talking to me all normal, I turn to look at something and she grabs me and holds me under the water. This part of the dream feels really really long. I can see my brother and my husband watching but not moving to help. I'm struggling to get air, I'm running out of time to hold my breath any longer. somehow I get free...... While I am coughing and trying to get my breath back and the water out of my lungs. My mom says I'm sorry sweetheart I'm just helping you. I run away from her... I end up in this room where my dad is. this room is the weirdest part of my whole dream, I can see heaven. there is like a little hole in the clouds and you can see heaven up there. I'm standing there lookin every where for mellie and telling my dad my mom had lost her mind when he grabs me and drags me back into the room with the pool. Now he is holding me under water.....Braden and Michael are still just watching not doing anything to help either party. I start to escape and when I do my mom grabs me again. I cant get away. I feel so scared, truly terrified of what is going tp happen. They both are saying they are helping me. I am sitting in this little bathroom ….like an old school locker room. I'm hiding from them. I don't want to die, I am not ready for heaven. although I want to see mellie, no back to reality Mellie is taken care of in heaven Luca and Gracie need me here now. I hear them coming and I hide farther into the corner. they find me anyway.... they take me into the room where I could see a teeny bit of heaven before and now its all the way open, I can see it. Mellie is right over there they tell me. Then back to the pool room we go....cant breath.....cant breath.... my chest hurts. I am about to pass out and I see Michael. standing there again watching. not helping, I have to ask him why he wont help me. Now I have never made it any farther into the dream.... I always am awake.. usually the last drowning part Michael wakes me up because I'm all jumpy he says . I know this, The terrified feeling I am feeling in the dream, well I feel it. I'm so sad and I feel every second of that. I can's shake it once I am awake. It stays with me for a long time. I worry that some part of my subconscious mind is sending me a message. I am mad at myself for taking Mellodi off life support, Michael wasn't all the way convinced at first. I couldn't see her suffer or in pain again ever. I already failed her and let her suffer after the emergency rooms sent me home. Anyway , my subconscious is telling me that's how mellie felt. . I kept telling her she could let go, she could go to heaven. Mike just held us and hugged me tight. I think everyone doesn't look like themselves to me in this dream because mellodi had 100000 nurses and she didn't know the look of them but they took care of her like nana and aunt Laura and great grandma. I am for sure no expert on this. I just truly need it to stop. I just want to sleep again …. I am tired. I want to close my eyes and rest. I really think We made the right choice. She was so full of infection still and she was suffering very much still. Her brain function was not even close to where it should have been. She was never going to smile or feel happiness. I stand by our decision. IT was the worst choice for me and Michael but the very best, the only choice really for our beautiful baby girl.