Its been almost two months since i felt the weight of a baby in my arms, The longest and shortest two months all at the same time. Tonight we had to move our couch out and while it was out I cleaned under it and vacuumed. The other night we did the same thing in our bedroom, reorganized some things. I went through the toys in the kids room before Christmas, and we packed up mellies stuff that had been in there. Her dresser and crib and all of the nursery things. Well as we cleaned, I realized there are no more lost binkis anywhere. That is the last of them. I know it seems silly but my heart shattered all over again. It's like that was the last of her here, those surprise pacifiers made me cry, but they were Mellie. Now there are no more left to find, I cant really explain how it makes me feel. Empty, broken,and lost are the best words I have. Instead of being easier as time is passing, its getting harder. As the time passes, she fades or so it feels. I feel like the world is continuing on and forgetting about my baby, even my own house. The little traces of her are slowly disappearing, like she was never here. Except my heart, its missing something I'll never get back, I'll never find the last binki in it. I'll forever be searching for it. God, Please give me some peace in this, I know things will never be truly right,but at sometime it has to ease from this. I am returning to work on the 31st, one day after her two month anniversary of being gone. I'm scared, I went to work here before all this and always rushed home to her. She woke me up every single morning with her smiles and cuddles while she had a early morning bottle. I came home and had her in my arms before I even showered because when she heard my voice she wanted mommy. Now when I come home she wont be here to smile at me. Ill wake up to an alarm and feel the same frantic feeling I felt when she didn't wake me up and we went to the Bryan emergency room almost 3 months ago. Moments that I relive like they are the present,I want to find one more lost binki. I don't want my baby to be gone.
Binki Baby from the start!